Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.