Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
You Might Also Like
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore