Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Just say no
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?