Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
You Might Also Like
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
