Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.