Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
need a new bf mines broken 😐
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud