Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Me, reading some of your tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

About to throw up

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.