Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly