Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids