Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
The sacred texts.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”