wtf
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My dress code is business-casualty.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.