wtf
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
