wtf
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KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“i am a sweet baby”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually