wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
