wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
as is their right
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
