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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]