wtf is an acronym
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m already scared
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.