wtf is an acronym
You Might Also Like
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
🤣🤣🤣
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
i made a craigslist ad !
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*