WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Them: Just act casual
Me:
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second