WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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Covid like
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.