Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.