That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
sugar glider wrangler
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.