wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.