wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
every. time.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“A little help here, Danny?”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting