wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.