wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire