“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”