“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago