“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…