wtf management?!
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Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.