Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days