wtf management?!
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*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Worth a try
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I beg you to euthanise me
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.