WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
The photographer’s assistant
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!