Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Still cracks me up

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably