WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”