Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Cat or sheep
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!