Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

cat faces on other animals, a thread

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber