wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
New nose
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part