wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???