wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.