wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
You Might Also Like
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.