Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Don’t touch that.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.