If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The options really are this bad
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.