“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You Might Also Like
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”