Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Good morning

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Love is always patient and kind.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.