Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on