WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.