Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?