wut hotdog?
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?