wut hotdog?
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Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.