wut hotdog?
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
A friend sent me this.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker