Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

it must be school picture day

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.