WWE is French for “yes”
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first