WWE is French for “yes”
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”