wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?