Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”