“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question