“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.