“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want