“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
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Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST