“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁