Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

is this store having a stroke wtf

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.