Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?