Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!