Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.