Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.