Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Every BBC series about the universe.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels