Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Basically.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend