Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex