X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
You Might Also Like
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Oh hi lol
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.