Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

That 👊

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Dear Lord..

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.