X-tra spooky blend
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”