X-tra spooky blend
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
me after i passed that state trooper
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice